How the Entire Universe Was an Accident Involving a Sleeping Dog God
I. Prelude to Everything
There was no light. No sound. No stars.
No meaning. No Mondays. No beer.
Just the void: soft, silent, deeply uneventful.
Somewhere in that perfect nothingness, a giant celestial being curled into a cosmic nap.
This was the first of the BullyGods.
Name unknown. Intentions unclear.
They weren't a creator. They were just tired.
II. The Incident
It happened between sleep stages, during what cult historians now call REM Infinity.
The BullyGod twitched. A leg kicked. A dream squirrel was chased.
And then—
The Bark.
Not a bark of warning. Not a bark of anger.
Just a spontaneous, unconscious, reality-shattering woof.
It echoed. It cracked the quiet.
And in that singular moment of canine noise… the universe unrolled like a misplaced yoga mat.
III. The Expansion
Planets spun into existence without permission.
Stars ignited mid-yawn.
Light, time, and all other “important” forces stumbled out of the dark, dazed and half-formed.
The bark didn’t just start everything. It startled it awake.
Galaxies spiralled. Black holes blinked.
Earth emerged somewhere between a drool puddle and a tail twitch.
IV. Aftermath
The BullyGod, of course, slept through the whole thing.
For eons.
By the time they stirred, existence had already begun sorting itself out—awkwardly, unevenly, but undeniably real.
They looked around at the stars, the planets, the slowly evolving life forms…
Then rolled back over.
No explanation. No guidance.
Just one divine thought, shared telepathically across the cosmos:
“Oops.”
V. A Toast to Creation
Eventually, when the BullyGods had fully awakened and acknowledged their cosmic mess, they did what any self-respecting divine beings would do:
they brewed.
Using stardust, solar mist, and sacred grains spilled across the void, they crafted the very first beer—a crisp, clean, and quietly brilliant celebration of existence.
In honour of that moment, we named the brew after the bark that started it all:
The Big Bark Theory.
Cheers to the Bullygods!